How (not to) Flirt with a Profiler

by misslampa

I now realize I should have just gone straight for the kill. Too late for this now, though.^^

Here’s how I found out almost everything about me is ready for flirting. And that *almost* really means utterly pathetic and hopeless.

I attended this conference of sorts last month and part of what we had to do was set up appointments with different representatives so we can ask them questions in private later in the day. One rep I approached seemed overwhelmed with all of the people who wanted one-on-one sessions, so she told us she’d be asking the organizers to update us regarding when we could meet with her.

Five hours after (and 2 hours before the conference was scheduled to close), there still wasn’t any announcement. So being the good girl that I am, I trooped to the middle of the room to approach the organizers’ table.



Me: Hi.


And then this tall, bespectacled gentleman with broad shoulders and big eyes turned to me and waited for me to go on. I decided, right there and then, that he’s crush-worthy. (I dig nerdy, sue me.)


Me: (puts on a hopefully disarming smile) Hi, (insert name here). I’d just like to ask if the representative from (name of university) released the appointment schedule already? The day’s almost over and I haven’t heard from her, and she said to approach you for updates.


Well, she didn’t say you you. But hey, you were there and so was I. I guess this was the universe conspiring.


He: Um, no. She didn’t give us anything. Did you set up an appointment with her this morning?

Me: Yeah, but (explains what happened). But anyway, I’ll just approach her and ask.

He: (reaches out to tap my arm with his palm) [MA in] Education, right?

Me: (Oh my god, he remembers meee!!! What to say?! What to say?!) Wow, you remember!


How creative of me, no? But before I could berate myself further, he moved to align himself with me, such that we were standing shoulder to shoulder. Well, almost. He’s around 9 inches taller. So head to shoulder, maybe?Ü


He: (bring his head closer to mine, to look at the action plan I was holding in my hands)

Me: (shows him the document I was holding) This is what I have so far, but we’re not supposed to complete all of this today, right?

He: Can I see? (touches my elbow this time, and lingers for about two seconds…takes the sheets from me, flips through the pages and reads my notes, and then returns everything to me)

Me: Thanks. Which boxes should we fill out?


Then he put his arm around me and rested his hand on my shoulder. Smooth move, if I may say so myself. Classic, yes, but smooth nonetheless.


He: Uh, I’m not really sure. Let’s ask (insert name of another organizer here).


He called out to the guy and the guy answered our question. It was our question now, you see. I no longer owned it exclusively. He then removed his hand from my shoulder, but he stayed by my side, so I took that as a cue to keep the conversation going.


Me: Hey, you sat in during the interview, right?

He: (purses lips together, as if in a semi-smile, then nods)

Me: No, you were in both interviews!  But you weren’t talking at all, so I didn’t know if I should say hi. You were just sitting there, all quiet.

He: I wasn’t there to interview. I was profiling you.

Me: (immensely intrigued now…he’s getting cuter by the second!!!) What do you mean you’re profiling us? (smiles)

He: (laughs softly)


In my head, this conversation went two ways:

Me: Really? Read my thoughts now. Can you tell that I think you’re cute and sexy?


Me: Hmm, a profiler. You work for an organization which refers to itself as The Facility and you’re a profiler. Mysterious. How much sexier can you get?


But here’s what I ended up really saying:


Me: Why, are you a psych graduate?


What the heck, right? Of all the things, I chose to ask him what course he took up in college. What course, seriously?! You just reminded him of his last job interview, Donna. That’s about as sexy as a pissing toad. Congratulations.

For your entertainment, I’m laying it out in the open: I lack guts. I have the lines but can’t throw them, which is really just as bad as not having them at all. Perhaps I should just blog about and dispense advice on how to utterly fail at flirting.

So I did. @_@


photo taken from

14 Comments to “How (not to) Flirt with a Profiler”

  1. Huwaaat? That’s it Donnalampalyne?

    • Hahaha! It went on for a few minutes more, but we kept it mostly professional na. Waaa, I don’t know how to play e. But see, I look around all I want but at the end of the day, my heart remains devoted to you. =))

  2. after laughing at this, i realized i didn’t have the license to. if anything, you’re still better than me at this =))))

    • Perhaps that’s why we click, Mr. Cua. But then we’re both friends with Gian as well and we get along rin naman but, you know… *wicked grin Ü* So I guess it doesn’t really follow, hahahaha!

  3. Oh! I just found your blog by chance but I’m so happy to have found it! This entry is sooo amazing, I love the way you are writing, I laughed my ass off .. :D:D
    This love and flirting things, I know how you felt and something like this happens to me ALL THE TIME. I could tell a short story but it doesn’t fit here. HAHAHA!! I would like to save this entry under my favourites!!! And the thing you said in the end … you’re a genius… :D But it’s normal that you aren’t able to say something like “Rawr you’re sexy” hahaha!

    • Wow, Mai.Ü Soooo many kind words from you, thanks! I was already starting to feel better about me being a complete failure at flirting because you said it happens to you all the time, too, but then I dropped by your blog and saw this >> (It’s the picture with the caption “Haha, me in the age of 3 years with my puppy love ;)”!!! You seemed to know how to play the game at 3yo (and you even have a picture to show for it, haha), so now I feel more pathetic than ever.^^ Just kidding, Mai! Thanks for dropping by. :-))

      • Hello again, and I’m sorry about this … but no, I was (and am) a failure because I didn’t just “flirt” with the boy on this picture but also with his best friend, they fought; and in the end, well, they became BFs again and I was alone! Haha! “Flirt failure” is my best friend like once, when I wanted to kiss my new boyfriend for the first time; you know, really romantic in the ice skating rink (but ice skating is not my professional, sooo….), I slipped and he (who was holding me) fell down and I just onto him … my right knee in his balls ..!! Argh!!
        Thank you for making me laughing this way!!!

      • Oh my, now I feel sorry for your boyfriend at that time! That’s a bigger failure indeed, hahaha! But the story of the two friends who left you after your flirted with both of them made me laugh out loud!!! Such a flirting expert at 3yo, way to go!^^

  4. Ma’am Donna! That’s it? Pfffsssh, he didn’t follow up either, so I’m rather tempted to think that he didn’t have much idea on where to go from there either. After all, he did stand around waiting for you to say something for a while, no? Just saying! =P

    Also, hi!

    • Bean!!! (Oh my, do you still go by that name, these days? I think it’ll be weird to let people call you Dr. Bean or Doc Bean. It brings to mind the clumsy comedian with whom you share the name. You wouldn’t want to be associated with that, right? =D) I think the problem was I didn’t even tilt my head to the side or ran my fingers through my hair or anything like that. But then I really wouldn’t have dared, it was a professional setting. But hey, I just realized that everything you said just reinforced the fail-ness of the entire thing. Wow, you really know how to comfort me ha. =D

  5. Yes, yes I do. It keeps people off their guard! Though my patients know me by Dr. (Vincent) Te… if they remember my name. =P Haha, once I have their trust… THEN they can call me Doc Bean. =P [More often than not though, they remember me as “yung mabait na medyo maliit” but have no idea what my name is. Go figure!]

    As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango. =P Hm, maybe we can just say I’m familiar with how to fail at flirting as a guy and call it quits? Hehe. =D

    On rereading, he could have come up with something better than a soft laugh when you asked about him profiling all of you. Off the top of my head “Oh, you know, looking for the usual characters. Dishonest slackers, hard-working achievers… beautiful and creative teachers… (grin)” Of course, that’s being awfully forward, but we ARE on the topic of flirting, yes?

    • “Te” as a surname sounds so “bitin” kasi, so I guess that’s why it doesn’t stick. Don’t let hem call you Doc Bean Te, though. I think your credibility can’t be saved na after they’ve crossed that line! Kidding. :-)

      Oh, we’re such sore losers! Flirting 101 should be a required subject in UP, no? That’s it, we’re out of the List of Top 300 Universities in the World because our graduates don’t know how to flirt! Boo.

      Your suggestion on a better ending to this pathetic tale made me laugh out loud, hahaha! But well, real life doesn’t always turn out all peachy and exciting. =))

      PS: Do you still write, by the way? I’d love to read some of your work. Am curious to know how you’ve evolved as a writer…the last essay of yours that I read was on Multiply pa yata.^^

      • People say the same thing about my brother’s nickname – so they always have to append the “Te” at the end. “Mike” alone is too short/generic, sabi nila. =P And to be honest, at this point in medical school, I don’t have all too much credibility to start with anywho. XD

        On the contrary ma’am, I think the lack of skill at flirting is exactly what makes UP students more brililant. I-forget-who once said that most of the achievements of the human race could be attributed to attempting to impress the opposite sex. If UP students were that good at flirting, they’d have no more drive to excel! =P

        Sadly, I don’t really have much time to write (or read). My time is taken up with being a medical student, and also with being extremely active in our college choir. =P Hurrah for music, and all that. Practically everything I’ve written lately is either academic or professional in nature. Papers, charts, formal letters, minutes, announcements,l and more recently, solicitation letters! Go figure.

        Anything non academic that I write is incredibly draft-y and not fit for public consumption – although being in this field, one tend to find an incredible amount to write about! Conversely though, being familiar with medical jargon, one also sometimes loses the touch of how to get it all across without alienating the audience. The world is… different. A world where after seeing a new patient brought into the ward, the new student in charge could say “super nephrotic na siya o, tingnan mo yung eyelids niya!”, and it would elicit a wince from their fellow student, along with an emphatic “Oo nga, shucks, CKD 5 na siguro yan. Good luck na lang.” No further explanation needed.

      • Ikaw pa, walang credibility. Yeah, right! And hey, perhaps you’re right about the real thing which makes UP students brilliant! Thing is, it’s what makes us hopeless and pathetic, too! So I guess in the end, life is fair. You win some, you lose some. I’ll take brilliance over and A in flirting any given day anyway.

        As for you not writing anymore, na-sad ako. I remember you were the best writer in your class. (I’m serious ha. There were four of you, actually, but you were more consistent. And for writing to be brilliant, you have to be consistent at being briliant, duh.) Perhaps your solicitation letters are peppered with creative snippets na lang now? Haha!

        And as for doctors losing touch of what can alienate, the only thing I understood from your example was eyelid!. So yes, I completely get the point. ^^ See you around, Doc Bean!

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